ponedjeljak, 20. veljače 2017.

The art of criticism and the search for true love


I don't want someone who will love my flaws. I want to be loved for what is best in me.


Lately I've come across a lot of quotes on the subject of flaws that I disliked. Most of them sound like this: 'If someone truly loves me, they will love my flaws.' I must say I don't get it. I don't. I don't want someone who will love my flaws. I don't want someone to accept all those things that are wrong with me. I want someone who will believe in me enough to consider me worth their time despite my flaws.  To think me worth their while- isn't that what we all want? To be liked by those we like. It is a natural human tendency. However, lately that has became insufficient. Now, there is a lot of talk about 'true' this and that and what 'true' love should be like. According to some, it should be free from any form of criticism. Well, that doesn't work for me. I don't need to be loved for my flaws and for the things I got wrong. Quite the opposite. I want to be loved for what is best in me, because that is the kind of love that will motivate me to do better.




I do understand why criticism is often viewed in a negative way. Often people find it easier to criticize others than to take care of their own problems and flaws. Sometimes the only purpose of criticism is to hurt another person. That kind of behaviour is obviously bad and counter-productive. In addition, this kind of criticism usually doesn't lead to up something constructive. However, there is also another form of criticism. That is the kind of criticism that comes from love. That comes from those who want us to achieve our true potential. That comes from belief that we're worth the effort of being criticized. That kind of criticism is worth gold. 

If you think about it, people often pay a lot of money for that kind of criticism. We hire experts to tell us what is wrong with our habits or behaviour all the time. We take an advice of nutritionists when we go on a diet, we hire a personal trainer when we want to improve our work out routine, we go on to see a doctor when we don't feel well and so on.  So, why is it so hard to take criticism from friends, family or the person we're in relationship with? Why do we always take it so personally? Because it is personal. Almost any word from any person we're really close with is by definition personal- that is why it is called a personal relationship as opposed to a business relationship or whatever. In this modern world, we have learned to fear intimacy and personal things because we don't want 'to bother with it'. But really, that is an answer of a weakling. 

If I have learned anything in my life, it could be summed up to this- personal relationships are worth investing time and energy in. They can teach us so much about ourselves and about others. Naturally, not all relationships are good ones. Sometimes we make mistakes. We have all seen those relationships that seem to bring out the worst in both partners. Not every relationships needs to be maintained at all costs.We should all learn to avoid toxic relationship, that is obvious, but we also shouldn't confuse  'feeling hurt' by someone's criticism with toxic or abusive behaviour. Sometimes we feel hurt because of our own issues. Often people expect their relationships to be completely problem free. I mean how realistic is that?

Nobody is perfect. Not even our human language is perfect. When I speak with a person who shares my mother tongue and even if we both share a particular idiom or  dialect, there are still bound to be misunderstandings. It happens. It is not a big deal. If you have studied, observed (or if you happen to like) the subject of linguistics, you have probably noticed that human languages are imperfect. Beautiful but imperfect. Often illogical. Often governed by principles that have nothing do with grammar but  more often than not that is what gives them its charm.  So, it is with life. You never get everything you want in that precise moment you want it. You can't make everyone happy. Why should you then expect that everyone should make you happy? 

I think it is dangerous to look ourselves as a finished product. We're all works in progress- or we are ought to be. We're not some product that is to be advertised and if you don't happen to like it, we should see them as the enemy. I can easily understand why people can find some things about myself annoying- perhaps even many things. To be frank, I find many things about myself annoying. I can even understand if someone considers me as a person -utterly irritating. I hope they won't, but really why should I expect everyone to like me? Even more importantly, why should I expect someone to like every single thing about me? I don't like everything about myself. That doesn't mean I hate myself. That just mean that I choose not to see everything about me as worth attention. 

Hopefully, I should be able to say: 'I'm not my flaws and I don't need to be defined by them'. At any rate, I hope there is something good about me that might overweight the bad. It's a form of optimism perhaps. It comes from belief in ourselves, belief that tells us we can be so much more. This need not to be loved for everything we are, but for everything we might be. So, feel free to dislike my flaws- either by ignoring them or by criticism them. I don't need anyone to love everything about me. Especially, when I don't happen to love everything about myself. Nobody can convince me that I should. Having a healthy relationship with ourselves, shouldn't imply a complete lack of self-critique. I will not pretend that I have mastered the art of criticism. However, I will say that I would like to and that I hope that I will get better with it in time. I don't think that criticism is bad as such. It is what we do with it that matters. Take for example, literary criticism. Its sole purpose it to praise literature. It might say this book is a lesser work of this author, but at its core it is about praising writers and art. It is about showing to us why writing is important. 

 The art of criticism for me basically means knowing how to enforce the good and reduce the bad. Every teacher does this. We criticize our students because we want them to do better. We criticize them because we care about them. We should be careful with our criticism, but we shouldn't denounce it entirely. Criticism can actually be healing. The right kind of criticism. But it is hard to tell them apart, isn't it? The good and the bad kind of criticism. It is so hard people would rather not bother with it. But we must bother. We must care. We must question. If we are to be human beings. If we are to be sentient creatures. If we are to be more than a sum of our instincts and biology. We must care. We must love. We must allow ourselves to be hurt.  It is the only way to live. 





























Broj komentara: 86:

  1. beautiful outfit :)
    http://xoxoclaudia.blogspot.de/

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  2. I completely agree with you, I do not say that we have to find someone to criticize us every minute but a person who despite our flaws choose to stay there next because he believes in us and in the possibility to improve. Also I think like you said that this person should be a stimulus to make us better.
    kiss
    admaiorasemper.website

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    1. thank you Serena. I agree, when a person stands by our side it means they believe in us- even when they criticize us.

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  3. Gorgeous jacket. We all have flaws, we need someone who accepts them yes, but also helps us improve. Not in a demeaning way, but a positive one!! x

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  4. Odlično rečeno, u potpunosti se slažem s tobom. Ni ja nisam pobornih tih izreka da tražimo nekog tko voli naše mane, što će mi ta osoba - zamisli samo u kakvom bi destruktivnom odnosu funkcionirali. Ne, trebaju nam ljudi (kako u vezama tako i prijateljstvima) koji izvlače ono najbolje iz nas, koji nas potiču da idemo naprijed i stalno se razvijamo ka onome najboljem što možemo biti usprkos našim mana. Imam i ja stvari koje kod sebe ne volim i trudim se promijeniti ih, ali uvijek će biti ono nešto i to naprosto tako i treba biti kako bi se održala ravnoteža, ali osoba koja će stajati uz mene mora biti netko tko me gura u dobrom smjeru, čije kritike su dobronamjerne iako upravo takve najviše i zabole jer nam je stalo do ljudi koji ih upućuju (od obitelji nadalje), ali upravo i one imaju najveću težinu jer su izgovorene s ljubavlju.

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    1. da, to je to...kritika iz ljubavi ima najveću težinu jer osjećamo da nas obavezuje, pa zato zna i za zaboljeti, a to ne znači da je nužno loša.

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  5. Great post. Very inspiring. I loved your point of view of this issue. I just want to add the way people critise you matter. If they critisise you in a loving way you will accept their criticism, but if it was bad, you will never be able to see past it being a bad thing about you.
    http://societyfix.blogspot.com.eg/

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    1. yes, that is so true. The problem is not criticism as such, but the way it is employed. Sadly, many use it to bring others down.

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  6. Great Words Ivana, you are a strong and beautiful Woman! <3
    Amazing Outfit, i love the Colors :)

    Have a lovely day my Friend!

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    1. thank you so much dear, it means a lot to me:).

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  7. I so love it!

    ** Join Love, Beauty Bloggers on facebook. A place for beauty and fashion bloggers from all over the world to promote their latest posts!


    BEAUTYEDITER.COM

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  8. Love everything about it, dear! xoxo

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  9. You look great dear!

    http://iameleine.blogspot.com/

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  10. DEar Ivana, what for a great post! We are not our flaws, cause I believe we don't have flaws. We have characteristics, traits, that's all. For ex., I may not like something on me or some people, but other people will like it, so, it's not a flaw, simply a characteristic. And we cannot please everybody and yes, misunderstandings, even due to tone voice or personal issues, are common. Criticizing is easy, that's right. I think that when someone says "love the person's flaws" it's because the person has - to the one who loves - more qualities that please him or her, than flaws - and it's worth being with him or her, despite what annoys the lover. Anyway, a nice topic and I also loooved the pictures - the one with the city reflect on the glasses is great! Loved your jacket, so beautiful, and with the skirt it's superb! You look very sweet and beautiful, hope you have a beautiful week! Hugs!
    DenisesPlanet.com

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    1. thank you Denise. If we look at it like that, then it is true- even one certain characteristics and many of our characteristics are inborn, we can't change them easily and in many cases we shouldn't. So, in that sense it makes sense to expect people to accept that part of us as well. Many people are too hard on themselves and what they see as flaws are just little habits and peculiarities that are really not that bad and hence they don't need to be criticized.

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  11. These are really lovely words Ivana! It isn't always nice to hear criticism but sometimes it's needed :)
    You look lovely in this outfit and I really like the location :) xx

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  12. Ivana, this was spectacularly written! I have to save this. You are so correct. I want a person to love me for everything about me. Constructive criticism is important. We should embrace it and take it as a learning experience. There are too many people that criticize to bring another person down. It's really sad.
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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    1. thank you dear. Yes, unfortunately today a lot of people criticize others so they would feel superior to them. That's really tragic.

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  13. Dear Ivana, you belong definitely to the wisest women I know! I can only agree to your thoughs and you are right with each sentence. For me it is the same: I lerned most through my social life - and I know for sure I'm everything other than a finished product. In the opposite: I see I learn daily many many things and honestly this is relieving me as this proofs me I'm still alive :)
    Love the combo with the green patterned jacket!
    xx from Bavaria/Germany, Rena
    www.dressedwithsoul.com

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    1. thank you dear...and I agree...learning is good, learning means that we're alive.

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  14. I must say I get both sides, both opinions :)
    What a beautiful place, Ivana!

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  15. Perfect essay, dear! I read it with great interest, thank you!

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  16. Nicely written... It's something to think about.
    Carol and Vero

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  17. Hai proprio ragione Ivana, la penso esattamente come te!
    Certo non dico che sarebbe bello avere vicino qualcuno che odia i nostri difetti, ma diciamo che dovrebbe esser tollerante abbastanza da sopportarli senza farcelo pesare troppo e allo stesso tempo dovrebbe indurci a migliorarli non solo per noi stesse ma anche per lui.
    Insomma un sano dibattito tra persne mature con due punti di vista che cercano di migliorarsi è una cosa, il mero criticare fine a se stesso così come la cieca accettazione dei difetti dell'altro è un'altra!
    Carinissimo il tuo look, stai molto bene in bianco! :)
    Baci!
    S
    https://s-fashion-avenue.blogspot.it

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    1. sono d'accordo! persone mature sanno come parlare e capiscono che sono sempre due punti di vista. Grazie cara Silvia.

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  18. Questo look è splendido sai, stai benissimo!
    Alessia
    new post
    Thechilicool Facebook Instagram
    Kiss

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  19. Beautiful words and thoughts hun! Thanks so much for sharing :) Love your outfit in this post by the way.. that white skirt is stunning!

    XO Jessi,
    http://www.mywhitet.com/designer-dupes-for-my-favorite-items/

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  20. Lovely look Ivana, you are so wright bow I am thinking yes, it is true, people even pay to learn from criticism, it is amazing how well you write and you not write very well you also paint, how talented!
    Have a lovely week sweetie
    xxx
    www.travelera.es

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  21. Nice outfit! I love your jacket dear!
    Have a great week!

    Lyosha
    Inside and Outside Blog

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  22. I understand your point and see the perspective from both ways, but I agree, who wouldn't want someone who just loves you at your very best and keep you motivated? Society and culture play a role in how people see themselves or measure up to what is deemed as "flawless or flawed". I agree with how Denise also put it, succinctly, it is merely our features and the characteristics of a person, which also makes each one of us quite unique and beautiful, in my opinion. What is a flaw to some may be a treasured feature or something flawless to others. Wishing you a great week. :-)

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    1. thank you dear. I also agree with what Denise said, if we see flaws as characteristics, then it is natural that we expect others to accept them. In addition, something that we might consider to be a flaw might not be a flaw at all... But if we see flaws as things that are morally wrong, that's another subject.

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  23. great post!!

    http://cheremimi.blogspot.com.es/

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  24. It's very interesting to hear your thoughts on flaws and how you'd like them to be perceived. Growing up, my mum always told me that someone may not 'love your flaws', but they will love you 'despite of them' and that this was the truly heartwarming thing about being loved :) On a different note, the location of these photos has completely taken my breath away - wow! The bold green colour looks lovely on you by the way Ivana :)

    aglassofice.com
    x

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    1. I love her saying...yes, those who love us do so despite our flaws.

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  25. Look maravilhoso show de imagens,
    tenha uma semana abençoada, obrigado pela visita.
    Blog: https://arrasandonobatomvermelho.blogspot.com.br/
    Canal:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmO8csZDARM

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  26. Great read Ivana, love the photos!
    xoxo

    www.sorananistor.com

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  27. You are casual but very chic! I like your attitude!
    MissGrey.ro
    https://missgrey.ro/blog/ce-purtam/de-ce-sa-alegi-o-rochie-rosie/

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  28. Agreed and beautiful words and outfit hun :) xx

    www.fashionjazz.co.za

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  29. I like the skirt and the lace-up boots. Pretty smile and hairstyle also. I offered my Hype for this one on LOOKBOOK when I saw this there. Great post here.

    johnbmarine.blogspot.com

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  30. Jako mi se dopada kako izgledaš u ovom postu. Divno ti stoje ovakve suknje, a pogotovo uz ovakve kraće gornje delove. Print na jaknici je začinio celokupnu kombinaciju.
    Ljubim te i želim lep dan

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  31. Le tue parole sono sempre profonde la tua freschezza è invidiabile
    sei bella
    un bacio

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  32. I'm really loving your in-depth thoughts and writing the past couple of months, Ivana. They are often thought provoking and brings on discussions...well, at least for those who bothered to actually read what you wrote.

    I agree to your points here and also to what Denise said, one man's trash could be another man's treasure or so to speak. But you are right, we need someone who loves us despite our shortcomings because he/she believes and have faith in us.

    My husband and I, we often keep each other in check. We both are far from perfect but we don't turn a blind eye when we see something that needs to be pointed out. We move forward and improve together, I think that's important in every relationship.

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

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    1. thank you dear, lately I've been inspired to write about things that are on my mind and often have been for some time...yes, naturally those kind of texts can be only interesting for those who bother to read :).

      I also liked Denise's point of view. Flaws are a relative term and like most words they only make sense within a context. In some contexts flaws can be viewed as characteristics and in that sense in makes sense that we expect to be accepted for them.

      I hope that my husband and I also do the same. I do think it is important that people in relationship are able to express views and sometimes criticism openly. If we bottle up everything inside, it comes out eventually...and usually not in a good way.

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  33. Beautiful outfit
    Ti seguo se ti va passa da me
    https://testoprovo.blogspot.it/?m=1

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  34. Beautiful outfit
    Ti seguo se ti va passa da me
    https://testoprovo.blogspot.it/?m=1

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  35. Love how playful this outfit looks and I love how well you pull it off, Ivana. Your post are always very deep and thoughtful. I agree with you, but I also say, I just want to be loved because I am me. I am as unique as the next person, we all are unique and different and we shall treat every person the way we want to be treated. Happy day, Ivana.
    xox
    Lenya
    New update: Almost Done

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  36. I must say I agree with you on the loving one for the good and not their flaws. I'm the same as well. Its a source of motivation for me if I'm loved for the good in me.
    I'm a teacher and a mother, so the criticism part also resonated with me. Overall great post, Ivana and you look wonderful. Great printed jacket.

    http://missymayification.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. thank you Missy. For me it is the same. Criticism can actually mean that someone has taken an effort to point out something to us.

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  37. Bravo za tekst! Slažem se sa svime. Ni sama nikada nisam razumela zašto bi neko trebalo da voli naše mane, naročito ako smo pre svega mi sami nezadovoljni istim. Mislim da se te mane mogu nadomestiti onim dobrim u nama, kao i da neka bliska osoba i treba da nas podstakne da ih možda prevaziđemo. Sam fokus na nešto negativno ili ravnodušnost ka istoj vodi pre ili kasnije ka destruktivnom odnosu. Kritiku nije lako primiti, naročito ne od bliskih osoba jer kao da (ne)svesno očekujemo da nas one bezuslovno vole i podržavaju. Tek je besmisleno očekivati da nas ostali vole i cene. Ono što ja obožavam kod nekoga, nekom drugom može da bude izrazito iritantno i obrnuto. Mislim da se ljudi generalno previše opterećuju time šta drugi misle o njima, pa svi valjda padamo tu zamku, kad zapravo niko ni ne misli o nama toliko koliko mislimo jer u isto vreme se ta ista osoba verovatno pita šta li drugi misle o njoj i tako u nedogled...

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    1. baš tako...tako unedogled. Svi razmišljaju o tome što drugi o njima misle umjesto da lijepo skupa pričamo o zanimljivim temama i tako nešto naučimo i budemo zadovoljniji sami sa sobom, a kada smo zadovoljni, onda ta samouvjerenost dođe prirodno.

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  38. Very cute outfit. I really love your shoes. Kisses and have a lovely Sunday :)

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All your comments mean a lot to me, even the criticism. Naravno da mi puno znači što ste uzeli vrijeme da nešto napišete, pa makar to bila i kritika. Per me le vostre parole sono sempre preziose anche quando si tratta di critiche.