What do I talk about when I talk about painting? O čemu pričam kada pričam o slikanju?

 I don't think anyone would call me a painter. I don't even consider myself to be one. However, I do paint and today I will talk about why I do it. I don't benefit from it financially, quite on the contrary it is a hobby that is costing me both money, time, effort and energy.  If time is money, I lost a lot of money painting. After all, I never sold a painting in my life. However, I  do produce painting in large quantities. I did gave away dozens of them to friends and some I even donated to charity. Recently I made a decision to invest  more energy into painting, even if brings me nowhere. I'm writing about it because people are often afraid to do what they want and sometimes we're the only ones holding ourselves back. I have worked hard in many areas of my life and for years it has been one failure after another, so why should I be worried about spending time on something that I genuinely love? ....even if I don't always enjoy it (because painting can be hard work just like anything else and it takes a lot of effort to work on it constantly).

Mislim da me nitko ne bi nazvao slikarom. Ni sama sebe ne smatram slikaricom. No, crtam i danas ću govoriti o tome zašto to radim. Nemam od toga neke financijske koristi, zapravo taj me hobi dosta i košta, a na njega trošim i vrijeme i novac i energiju i trud. Ne zarađujem na njemu, gubim, ako je vrijeme novac, na njemu sam izgubila dosta novaca. Nisam nikada u životu prodala sliku. No, proizvodim ih u velikim količinama. Doduše jesam ih puno poklonila prijateljima, neke sam čak i donirala za plemenite svrhe. Odlučila sam uložiti više energije u slikanje, čak i ako me to ne dovede nigdje. O ovome pišem jer znam da se ljudi često boje raditi ono što zapravo vole, a ponekad je ta blokada samo u našoj glavi. Stalno se trudim u određenim područjima svoga života, pa opet godinama nižem samo neuspjeh za neuspjehom i zašto bi se onda brinula što provodim vrijeme radeći nešto što iskreno volim iako u tome baš uvijek i ne uživam uvijek (da, nekad i slikanje zna biti naporno i treba jako puno truda za biti dosljedan i stalno pokušati i raditi na tome.) 

 Painting more is one of the challenges I have set for myself this month and so far I had no problems handling it.  I must say that I don't believe in waiting to be inspired. I don't paint when I feel like it or when I have free time. I make time for painting and I paint even when it feels like it is the last thing I want to do....because deep inside I know it is something I must do. Sometimes I don't think I even have a choice. I said once that it is like an itching feeling in my fingers. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like it is nothing more than a choice. Something I willed myself to do for no particular reason. You can't do everything in life for practical reasons. I try to be as practical as I can, but in life it is not possible to avoid risk taking...and art is always pure risk taking. One wrong brush stroke and something your worked on for days is ruined.  Mighty frustrating when that happens.

Slikati više je jedan od izazova koje sam si postavila ovaj mjesec i zasada nisam imala problema održavati tempo.  Moram reći da ne vjerujem u čekanje inspiracije. Ne slikam kada mi slika ili kada imam slobodnog vremena. Nađem vremena za slikanje čak i kada mi se ne da i kada mi se čini da je to zadnja stvar koju želim raditi....zato što imam neki osjećaj da je to nešto što bi trebala raditi.  Ponekad mi se čini da i nemam izbora. Jednom sam rekla da je to kao neki osjećaj peckanja u prstima. S druge strane, nekada mi se čini da to moje slikanje nije ništa nego izbor. Nešto na što sam se navela snagom volje bez nekog posebnog razloga. Ne možeš raditi u životu sve iz praktičnih razloga. Trudim se biti praktična koliko mogu biti...ali u životu ne možeš izbjeći riskiranje....a umjetnost je uvijek čisti rizik. Jedan krivi potez kista i nešto na čemu si radio danima je uništeno. Strašno je frustrirajuće kada se to dogodi. 

 So, more and more painting and nowhere to place them! Frankly, as long as my art is of any interest to myself, I don't intent  to let it end up in the garbage ( I had to get rid of my paintings once during one move and it was the silliest feeling trowing your art into garbage, though at least it was paper recycling bins because I'm an environmentally friendly person). As you can imagine, this leads to practical problems.

ovo sve znači više i više slika, a nemam ih gdje smjestiti! Iskreno, dok god me moje slike osobno zanimaju, ne namjeravam dopustiti da završe u smeću (jednom sam morala kada sam se selila i baš mi je glup osjećaj bio baciti gomilu slika u papir za reckliranje iako barem eto i tu sam bila dosljedna svojoj opsesiji recikliranjem.) No, kao što možete zamisliti ovo vodi do praktičnih problema.

 How to organize paintings when you have so many of them? I'll be honest and confess that I  have no idea. It is much easier with smaller frame ones for example with  my illustrations (like the one in the last post). They can be stored quite easily, but what to do with larger frames? Just pile them on top of one another in the closet? There is not enough space on the walls for all of them to be placed. I'm still trying to figure it out. Nevertheless, at least in virtual world space is not a problem. I will probably continue to share my art with you. Whatever I might be missing in life, it is not inspiration.

Kako organizirati slike kada ih imaš puno? Nemam pojma da iskreno kažem. Puno je lakše s malim formatima (kao npr. s modnom ilustracijom iz prošlog posta). One se mogu veoma lako pohraniti, ali što napraviti s velikim formatima? Samo ih slagati jedne na druge u ormaru? Nema dovoljno prostora na zidovima za sve njih.  Još to pokušavam smisliti. No, barem u virtualnom svijetu, prostor nije problem. Vjerojatno ću nastaviti djeliti svoju umjetnost s vama. Što god mi nedostaje u životu, to nije inspiracija. 

Today is a new day

Sometimes my philosophy in life is to live one day at a time. Often I make lot of plans and set goals for myself. However, there are days when living seems hard, when bad news seem too much and even the mere cleaning of the dishes seems to take away all my energy. When tomorrow seems to far away, I say to myself today is a new day. Today I can make something happen, even if it is some small thing, a small illustration of a sketch....that sketch might turn into painting some day. So, maybe I'm cheating myself...you know that story about the monkey and the carrot  on a stick? Sometimes I need to wave that carrot in front of my nose just to be able to make one more step...and then there are those days when I live in between breaths, in a calm place without dreams...We need all that...dreams and the freedom from dreams.

Ponekad je moja filozofija u životu samo živjeti dan po dan. Često radim puno planova i postavljam ciljeve sebi. Međutim, ponekad se samo življene čini teškim, loše vijesti su previše i čak i samo pranje suđa oduzima svu energiju koju imam. Kada se sutra čini predalekim, kažem sebi da je danas novi dan. Danas mogu napraviti nešto, čak i ako je to neka mala stvar, mala ilustracija ili skica...ta se skica može pretvoriti u sliku neki dan. Možda tako varam sebe...znate onu priču o magarcu i mrkvi na štapu? Ponekad moram mahati tom mrkvom ispred svoga nosa samo da bi mogla napraviti još jedan korak....a postoje i oni dani kada živim između udaha i izdaha, u mirnom prostoru bez snova. Sve nam to treba...i snovi i sloboda od snova.

So, why am I writing all this? Perhaps because somebody might be struggling with same questions somewhere. You might be asking yourself, why am I doing this (whatever that may be)? Most of bloggers at some point ask themselves why do they blog.  Is it worth it, isn't it just a waste of time? I can't answer those questions for you. I'm not offering answers, just my personal experience. You will have to make up your own answers. However, I do think that sometimes as a society we are obsessed with results. Must there be a practical reason behind everything we do? Must we always look for benefits? There is nothing wrong in being driven or ambitious and setting goals for ourselves, but must everything be calculated? There is nothing wrong in being inspired by success stories, but why should we be made to feel a complete failure if success never happens to us? Who gets to define success anyway?

Zašto se ovo pišem? Zašto što se možda netko negdje muči istim pitanjima. Možete se pitati, zašto radim ovo (što god to bilo)? Većina blogera se ponekad upita zašto to rade. Je li toga vrijedno? Ne mogu odgovoriti na ta pitanja za vas i ne nudim odgovore, nego osobno iskustvo. Morate sami pronaći odgovore na svoja pitanja. Međutim, doista mislim da smo kao društvo opsjednuti rezultatima. Nema ništa loše u tome da smo ambiciozni ili da postavljamo ciljeve za sebe, no mora li sve biti proračunato? Nema ništa loše u nadahnuću pričama uspješnih, ali zašto da nas navode da se osjećamo kao potpuni promašaj čak i ako nam se uspjeh nikad ne dogodi? Tko ionako odlučuje što je uspjeh?

Creative work of any kind is a challenge....it is a desert marathon with scorpions. It is a swimathon with sharks. Those scorpions and sharks are often our own fears. Sometimes they are real, though. There is professional surfer out there that surfs without her arm because an actual shark ate it. Sometimes the sacrifices we have to make are really hard, but then again it is our decision. Sometimes you will need to take genuine risks.  I'm not a painter, but I paint. It takes a lot of energy to do it constantly, but I do it. Furthermore, I do all sorts of things that nobody really understand. Sometimes I don't understand them myself....but one thing I do know for sure. I don't regret the time spend in trying to do something better or trying to become a better person. Even when we fail, the effort counts. Somewhere deep inside, it really counts that we gave it all we got. 

Kreativni rad bilo koje vrste je izazov...to je pustinjski maraton sa škorpionima i plivački maraton s morskim psima. Ti su morski psi i škorpioni ponekad naši strahovi. Ponekad su stvarni. Tamo negdje je profesionalna surferica koja surfa bez ruke jer su je pojeo morski pas. Ponekad su žrtve koje radimo zaista teške, ali zato moramo zapamtiti da je to naša odluka. Ponekad moramo poduzeti rizike. Nisam slikar, ali slikam. Oduzima dosta energije biti stalno okupiran s time, ali radim to. Zapravo radim puno stvari koje nitko ne razumije pa i ja ih često ne razumijem. No, znam jednu stvar. Ne žalim za vremenom koji sam uložila u to da postanem bolja u nečemu ili da budem bolje osoba. Čak i kada ne uspijemo, trud važi. Na dubljoj razini zaista je važno je da smo pokušali najbolje što mogli. 

New illustration/ nova ilustracija

I will tell you another thing. If you don't ask your own questions, you won't get your own answers. Some things can't be copy pasted....and don't be confused if there is something in your life you're not certain about. It is perfectly normal to both love and hate something you're doing. When you invest a lot of time, love and energy into something, well then it can be compared to a romantic relationship---and we all know how complicated they can be!


Reći ću vam još jednu stvar. Ako ne pitate svoja pitanja, nećete dobiti svoje odgovore. Neke stvari se ne mogu prekopirati...I nemojte biti zbunjeti ako u vašem životu ima nešto u vezi čega niste sigurni. Potpuno je normalno u isto vrijeme i mrziti i voljeti nešto čime se bavite. Kada ulažete puno vremena, ljubavi i energije u nešto, onda se to može usporediti s ljubavom vezom---a svi znamo kako one mogu biti komplicirane!